Soundtrack – Freedom Looks Good on You by Marvarick City Music
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a living hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you. Who are kept in the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” 1 Peter 3-5 (KJV)
There were bylaws at my childhood church that stated one could join the church at twelve. So, when I reached the age of crossover, I got baptized with my brothers and adult cousin. I can recall feeling afraid to get baptized but I’m not sure why. Was I afraid to go in front of the congregation? Was I worried that I might come out differently in a way I could not handle appropriately? Maybe I was worried that I was already contaminated with the sin of incestual molestation and the people of God would know.
My flesh wanted an orgasm every minute of the day. I would watch porn daily, squeeze my legs together and thrust my hips to create a rubbing sensation on my clitoris until I felt a release. I would specifically watch lesbian porn because the camera would explicitly show the woman’s vagina and her clitoris being fondled and massaged. At the tender age of twelve, I could imagine and feel the exact sensations she was experiencing. One Saturday morning, my mom woke everyone up to Hot 97 and chores were already laid out. My two brothers were in their respective places, cleaning the room they shared or the bathroom, my mother hopping all around the house doing laundry and straightening her room. I was on kitchen duty. This particular apartment was railroad style where the living room and kitchen are at the front and every other room proceeds. In my immature mind, I was so reckless and desperate to watch, I thought I could watch something really quickly. I put my fingers on the dusty cable box and watched the red numbers change the channel. On the screen, two light-skinned women were having sex. It was as if I was right on time because all I saw was one woman’s vagina and the other woman’s tongue and lips flicking and sucking. Exactly, what I longed to see. Almost immediately, my mother came into the living room and caught me. The beating was so bad and traumatic my mind won’t allow me to remember the pain and embarrassment.
This was the start of a chain of sin-fueled decisions anchored in the theft of my innocence.
At fourteen, I’d thrown away my virginity and by sixteen engaged in one-night-stands I can’t even remember, then found myself in a dangerous relationship. I was searching for my father’s direction and protection because all I knew was my mother’s demonstration and feared her aggression. I mastered the craftiness of the devil’s lies and schemes; I was dead to my flesh succumbing to everything from dunkardness to marijuana use. After two years of reckless debauchery and unrighteous living, suddenly, I was convicted to start practicing abstinence. Google tells me that conviction is when a person is made aware of their sins by the Holy Spirit. Thinking back, I remember sex started to be physically painful and after going to the doctor I learned that I had contracted an STD. Glory to God that it was curable; from then on fear swept over me. That was the beginning of my awareness that my body is a temple and it was clear to me that I was destroying it with sex. By this time, I was seeing two people, my boyfriend and the guy I gave my virginity to. Cutting off the ex was easy, but pulling away from my dangerously insecure boyfriend was scary. It took one or two weeks to muster up the courage to tell him I wanted to practice abstaining and he did not take too kindly to it. Regardless, I walked away from that conversation with my chin up even though I had no idea how I was going to accomplish this assignment. This was not my first experience with the Holy Spirit; however, it was the first time I was held accountable (judged) for my actions and charged to change my behavior.
In Romans, the apostle Paul talks to us about God’s righteous judgment. He explains to us what Christ did, why he did it, and its results. “But we are sure the judgment of God is according to truth against them who commit such things.” (Romans 2:2 KJV). My consistent behavior of sin was the evidence (truth) that God revealed to send judgment (conviction) through the Holy Spirit. The thing is, I have been his child since the day he put me in my mother’s womb then publicly accepted his Lordship over my life when I was baptized. Paul goes on to explain how Christ judges us, in Romans 3:20 he says, “ Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight: for by the law is the knowledge of sin.” (KJV). At sixteen, I could no longer hide behind my parents mishandling me. I was under God’s law and through his fervent love and mercy, he gave me a chance to get back in line through His all-knowing power by privately exposing my sin He offered me freedom: the desire for sexual intercourse completely left me and I had an intimate sureness that there was no other solution. Ultimately, the road to consistent abstinence took six years to attain – I wasn’t made new just yet.
Fifteen years later, I am starting to understand God’s abundant mercy. Let me walk you through my understanding of mercy. It is when God inflicts less than the law or justice warrants, or, in other words, treats us better than we deserve. Take a moment to think back on a situation where the outcome may have been bad but you know for certain it could have (and maybe should have) been worse. Were you grateful? For me, one example is when I was in a physically abusive relationship. Towards the end of the chaos, I was hospitalized. Proposed with the option to remove or salvage my eye. Gratefully, this eye already had little to no vision from Cataracts and Glaucoma disease. I’m grateful to God it wasn’t the eye I primarily use to function. That is an instance where God showed me mercy because in the midst of a life or death fight anything could have happened, only Jesus could have spared me. I could have easily lost faith and blamed God, instead I immediately gave thanks because there is no way I could bear being completely handicapped. In 1 Peter 1:6-7, “Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being more precious than that of gold…” Meaning life is going to life. Suffering, temptations, and trials are going to come but we must hold on because anything made to be precious, anything made to last has to go through the fire. Even today, when I think about this, tears swell up with gratitude. Peter goes on to tell us that if we remain faithful to God the outcome is our salvation, redemption from the bondage of sin.
I knew my time was coming to renew my public declaration to the Lord. There were two specific prayers that I had never prayed, yet God answered. First, I had been craving to learn how to read the Bible and wanted to do it with at least one person. It was as if God blocked every attempt I tried to make to collaborate with someone else; but instead the Holy Spirit took charge and effortlessly woke me up every morning around 4:30-5 AM for about 3.5 months taking me through various chapters. I was on fire for God’s heart. Two months after finding my new church, the Apostle started their very first Hermeneutics class, which are the rules and methodology on how to study the Bible. It was incredible! Then I read about baptism in Romans 6. I actually understood the gravity of baptism and what it means to die in order to live. I silently yearned to live again. Suddenly, the next baptism date was announced – I signed up.
Days before my baptism, I felt emotionally backed up. I knew I had to cry but I didn’t know for what and I couldn’t make myself. The morning of my baptism, I woke up at 3:45 AM, cried off and on until approximately 10:30 AM, right before service started. I pulled into the church’s parking lot at 8:47 AM because I thought my baptism was happening before service. Now, I can see Jesus moved me to have alone time in His presence and at his house. The Praise and Worship Team was practicing their songs for service, other folks were walking around, making sure everything was set up for the congregation. I sat on the left side of the stage towards the back. Praying and crying, praying and crying out from my heart. Hindsight has revealed to me that I was grieving the death of the woman I used to be.
Fifteen minutes before service ended, there was instruction for all being baptized to head downstairs to start getting ready. Sister, when I tell you I was still holding back tears!! Here’s the thing, I wasn’t afraid, nervous, worried, or even sad. I was so aware of the true implications of the declaration and how much God loves. As we waited for the baptism ceremony to start, I sat in the front row still thinking about the goodness of God, trying to hide my tears. I lowkey wanted to be the only person getting baptized because this was such an intimate moment. Although that was not the case, God heard me so clearly that he allowed me to get baptized first in freshwater. When my name was called, three women prayed over me. My heart and ears were open. I had been praying to God to get me out of the wilderness and to realign me in His will for my life. He broke every chain and spoke directly to the call he has on my life. It was time to step into the water. My God, that water was cold! It truly felt as though I stepped into a lake. Instead of flinching and trying to hold on to any heat in my body, I submitted myself to Christ and he made me new.
There is no telling where God is taking me but now; all I know is it will require daily obedience.
Peace and Love,
P.S.
If you don’t know Jesus or met him at a young age and are not sure if He is with you, I encourage you to read the book of John. It is a great place to start or rekindle your relationship with Christ. Walk into it with an open and curious heart to simply get to know him. Also, I recommend the English Standard Version because it’s easy to read.
JLN
