Emotional Hostage

Soundtrack – 70s Hits Blasting Outside of The Black Wall Street Loc Shop on Greenwood and Archer

While running a night errand, I was on the phone with my beau when he asked me a simple question. “What is a gift you received that you didn’t know what to do with?” It took me less than 30 seconds to come up with an answer. My mother gave me the gift of anger and impatience at a very young age. Calling my mother’s name transmitted her into a frenzy of irritation. 

“Fu*k being on some chill shit. We go 0 to 100 ni**a real quick.” – Drake 

My anger reared its head laced with frustration at every little inconvenience and had the nerve to take everything personally. Since the 5th grade I’d cultivated a habit of waking up between 4:30-5AM to catch the train traveling through boroughs to arrive at school on time. Fast forward to my time living in an apartment on Greenwood and Archer in Tulsa, OK where there is a freight train on the corner that passes through like clockwork at 5AM. I often greeted the train and invited it as part of my morning ritual. There were days I’d wake up before the train was near to take in the roaring horn as a signal of a brand new day filled with new possibilities. 

During the last three months of my lease I got a new neighbor right above me. Every morning around 5AM my neighbor would stomp across the apartment, at least that’s what it sounded like to me; and with each stomp my blood boiled. Nevermind that I was typically already wide awake and the loud train was passing. I internalized this as my neighbor sabotaging my ritual in practice of their own. So I took matters into my own hands; while walking upstairs I practiced my short speech, checking for tone and the important points that expressed my disdain while simultaneously thinking ‘they don’t know who they’re messing with and they gone be tight if I make a formal complaint and get their ass kicked out.’

Turns out the neighbor was what I’d call a distant acquaintance: someone you know by way of an organization and mutual friends, a person you see and engage at various events around the city. I expressed my annoyance as best as possible in hopes it would stop but it didn’t. Literally, it was as if he had his foot on my neck. With everyday that passed I became more and more angry; I was held hostage to my emotions and beau heard about it every single day. Almost as if I needed to be angry and borderline enraged because it gave my body a recognizable feeling. 

Reflecting on this experience has not only revealed the layers of my anger but also how I showed up when triggered:

1. Irritation for the perceived lack of consideration. I assumed my neighbor knew his walking was loud and did it on purpose. 
2. Pent up rage. Yes, I think we can all agree that banging or stomping of any kind above your head at 5AM is wretched. However, the level of vexation was uncalled for. 
3. Intimidation tactic. Okay, I’ll give myself some credit because I did choose to talk to him but trying to use a formal complaint as a means to get what I wanted knowing it could result in eviction was nasty. And finally, 
4. Constantly bringing it up. God bless beau because I know he was sick of me and the constant complaining.

“Your level of response to perceived disrespect should be equal to the importance of the act and the person, not the size of your insecurities.” – Lynn Toler

Emotions are like waves that flow from one extreme of utter bliss then swells with coldness to the other extreme of anger and sometimes rage. As the tide rises our emotions can become so powerful we actually feel them in various forms: increased heart rate, sweaty hands, rising internal temperatures, or our anxiety gets triggered to run the mind wild with every possibility. As a child, I’d learned to survive my mother’s wrath by learning to keep the tides calm. If at any point I felt emotional waves rumbling in my belly I’d cast them aside – never learning how to surf; until now.  

With time comes the gift of evolution. I spent countless hours searching for truth, guidance and a new way to love. There are people who have left my life for various reasons and those who hold on because their love for me is deeper than my inevitable flaws that surface from time to time. Family and friends can be tricky but I believe there are universal truths that can support you along the way of learning to ride the tide of your emotions. 

1. Every battle is not meant to be fought. There are people who thrive on being “no nonsense” and every little thing will be checked in an instant. That’s way too much pressure for one person to shoulder and it makes the experience of your character abrasive. Find grace in your heart for those who may wrong you or simply make a mistake. 
2. There will be times where you’ll have to express your disdain and clarify your boundaries, this requires some prep work when you’re not actually in a funky mood. Reason being is you only have a millisecond to act when you’re in the thick of a situation. Ask yourself these questions: 
   1. 1. Is this person important to me or my ultimate goal? The answer to this question is attached to whether or not you will need to maintain this relationship. However, regardless of the answer, your reputation and how you are perceived is still important. Aka it’s never okay to be rude and disrespectful.
      2. What is my ultimate goal from this conversation?
      3. Will I be undermining my boundaries by staying silent at this moment?
3. Remember everyone is fighting a battle and trying their best, especially your parents. No one has done life before. With this realistic mindset you can understand how to forgive and move on; releasing them and yourself from the baggage of expectation. 

It’s not easy but it’s worth it because there is no such thing as a free hostage. 

I’m in Control, 

Janey Nemard

P.S. 

Overzealous emotions have the ability to hold you back from relationships, experiences, opportunities, and even personal growth. Anger is just one of them. Take a moment to think about how your emotions have held you hostage.