Soundtrack – Jerome Thomas, Safe
I’m writing to you from a horizontal position on the only piece of furniture I own in a house big enough for a modest family of four staring at the blank walls and hollow rooms dreaming of all the possibilities while terrified to commit to anything. Here I am, leery of my own decision making. My consciousness lies at the precipice of thriving yet I find myself mourning the down payment of survivor’s remorse; acutely aware of the middle ground between past and future. Many days it leaves me uninspired and other days overwhelmed with enthusiasm and choice.
Standing in Love: Tussling with Hard Truths is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to date. The level of mental and emotional capacity it took to bring the project to life, in many ways, stripped any remaining currency I had to pay for my healing – a fortune well spent. Several days and weeks after launching I felt a sensation of being torn apart as if I was shedding or peeling away a dead layer of skin. It was painful. I became much more aware of the woman in the mirror and my confidence shot through the roof! I finally experienced my beauty in her fullness.
From then on, without question, I became laser focused on love. Love is the greatest accomplishment one can achieve. It’s the only currency that transcends country lines, ethnic backgrounds, and differing moral codes across households. There’s only one problem, “love doesn’t pay the bills”. At least that’s what I’ve heard older Black women say as I was coming up in age. This “advice” presented the belief that men and women are transactions and ladders that will aid me in paying the bills – today we call that social capital. I was lifeless and lacked the ability to engage with the empathy I felt. For a little over a decade I’d learned to push my feelings aside, hide my mistakes – or work damn hard to correct them before someone found out – accepted snide remarks from family, friends, and colleagues all to pay the bills.
NO MORE! I now sit at the throne of choice:
- Continue the narrative, or
- Lean into love with all my might.
This time around I’m leaning on an understanding that surpasses my own logical calculations of what’s right or wrong. I’m comfortably scared, meaning my heart and mind are working together. I’m choosing love because there is nothing more important than holding hands, sharing laughs, creating new experiences through adventure, and growing with the people who care for me. There’s another saying, “Money might pay the bills but it don’t keep you warm at night.”
Choosing Love,
Janey Nemard
P.S.
Be careful holding on to “catch all” sayings.
