How Are You, Really?

Soundtrack – Pat Metheny, What’s It All About (Jazz Guitar Radio on Pandora)

For a while I couldn’t stomach this flyby greeting ‘How are you?’. Rarely does the asking individual wait to hear a response nor does the responder tell the truth. It seems as though the default response in an informal setting is ‘I’m okay, and you?’ or in a formal setting ‘I’m well, how about yourself?’ I guess that’s why I’ve never been a fan of small talk, its filler and few parties involved actually care. The worst is when someone is walking past asking that question and is already five paces away before you finish answering or when the response is a simple head nod. This led me down a path of figuring out how to make this small interaction genuine for all parties involved.

There were three things I needed to consider:

1. When is the appropriate time for an “I’m okay/well” response?
2. What would I like my genuine default response to be?
3. How do I create a space for genuine engagement with the person (or people) I’m
   connecting with?

I realized that there are moments when complete strangers are simply being nice and using this greeting as a gesture of acknowledgment and in today’s world, I’ll take it. Every now and again a quick “I’m okay” serves its purpose. It’s not befitting to force a genuine connection onto someone who’s clearly not interested. While true, I still needed to go inward to see how I’m really doing. What my default emotional and mental state is to gather a quick one-liner that allows me to be truthful and genuine.

This brings me to a major life lesson, in 2022 I learned about contentment. I always thought it was a negative emotion; that a person who was content was someone who didn’t want anything out of life and stopped growing. While speaking to my boyfriend one evening, I inquired about his desires in life and what his plans are. He didn’t have an answer to either of them, instead responding that he was content in life. I’m typically quick with my tongue but at the moment l was lost for words.

In an instant the brilliance of contentment lured me in and persuaded me of its influence in a fulfilling life. By this point, I’d already fertilized a deep relationship with gratitude – I have an entire jar dedicated to collecting daily wins – but I never associated it with being content. Gratitude has allowed me to find appreciation in everything around me: the rising Sun, moments to revel in the comfort of my studio flat, or cold gray days that calm my spirit. Once I introduced gratitude to contentment a sense of peace washed over me, an awareness of completion and satisfaction I’d never known before. I realized that no matter the curve balls life gave to me, I had peace – that became my default.

In reality, it’s impossible to control how others feel and what they do in response to you, but there is always a way to plant a seed of gratefulness and love in someone’s heart; even a passerby. As of late when asked how I’m doing, making eye contact, I offer a sincere radiance and respond, “I’m living my dream.” I noticed that the man that is five paces removed from the brief gesture ears perks up because I didn’t say what was expected. The person sitting across from me at the local bar is now intrigued and wants to know more about my dream life. How incredible it has been to foster genuine connection while including people I don’t know.

Sincerely,
Janey Nemard

P.S.
Take time to find the state of your heart and the next time someone asks you how you’re doing,
be honest